9 Celebrity Wannabes You'll Meet at the Pool
From preening teens to Olympic hopefuls, these personalities abound in the summer.
Illustration by Michele Melcher
Celebrities spend their summers on the beach or poolside at exotic locales. Mere mortals scurry to the local swim club and share space with others who lack proper pool etiquette. You won’t catch George and Amal Clooney relaxing next to you, but you might find these other “A-listers.” To be clear, the A is for annoying kids who can’t properly judge splash zones or control the volume of their voices when they’re near a body of water.
See if you can spot these pseudo celebs.
The Mannings: These aquatic QBs don’t mean to be a bother. But, hey, you don’t mind taking a dip while it rains Hail Marys, right? Game over when an innocent bystander takes a Nerf to the back of the head.
The Kardashians: Preteen (though they don’t look it) and high school girls who spend most of their time on lounge chairs posting a perfect Snapchat shot by the pool—with legs and pedicures, of course.
The Joneses: “We have a waterslide” ... “The snack bar at the country club is way better.” If your kid insists on bringing a friend, expect to not only pay the guest fee but also get a dressing-down on the many flaws of your pool.
The Michael Phelps: Known for both his prowess in the swimming lanes and his need to have Mom watch everything.
The Bling-Flasher: Friends aren’t enough. They need to bring tubes, noodles and a tote filled with water toys.
The Pee-wee Herman: Pee-wees aren’t hard to spot if you pay attention. They’re often in the corners, facing away from the center of the pool.
The Bam Margera: They’re old enough to know a pool can be dangerous, yet they still test the limits. They run. They do flips. They wrestle. Their tomfoolery usually lasts less than a minute before a lifeguard takes notice.
The Steve Rubell: These bathing bullies make bouncers at the hottest clubs seem soft. They invent haphazard rules—no black bathing suits allowed in the deep end, a secret password for the diving board—and they aren’t happy until they’ve finally forced someone to tears. Sorry, kids. This isn’t Studio 54, and anyone who eats applesauce out of a plastic pouch isn’t cool enough to be a trendsetter.
The Sidney Crosby: This big baby has been whining from the minute he was separated from his beloved Xbox 360 and forced to step into the daylight. “It’s hot. … This suntan lotion smells girly. … There are too many little kids here.” Eventually, like a referee, Mom has enough of the bellyaching and lets him bring a handheld gaming device.
Katie Kohler loathes the summer and humidity. If you have a quiet backyard pool and a penchant for making fruity cocktails, she’ll be right over. Visit her website at www.katiekohler.com.